ALL-TIME BEST DIRTBAG EMAILS
FROM THE KING HIMSELF

January 1, 2007:

First off, I'm coming back for many more ff seasons, God willing! Honestly, I'm sorry if I got a bunch of you thinking I was really retiring.. I usually don't blow out something like that, but I was trying to give my best impersonation of Brett Favre.
Thanks to all the classy people that wrote emails about our teams. Opponents, thanks for the fun and kind emails. Brian gets special thanks to, as you were a wonderful commish, a great FF player that I really missed playing against in the playoffs this year. Congratulations to ALL the SB winners and losers. Winning these 2 SBs Takes away the pain of blowing the playoffs and not running the table for the SB with my best team in Stogges! I want to thank Jesus for allowing me to win these titles and continue to shoot off my big mouth..... Like last year before the big games, I told him, If you would be so kind to let me win these leagues tomorrow, I will email the league again and give you all the Glory... Thankyou Jesus.....

PS. This is probably closer to the real life Dirtbag then the Arrogant and inconsiderate blowhard, I enjoy to play most of the year. Thanks everyone, Dirtbag

December 25, 2006:

December 20, 2006:

I wish you would stay home and keep an eye on your teams and not worry about NYC...... If you want to take a vacation come and see me! I will show you a hell of lot better time than NYC could ever!! Shitbag knows a good time

December 14, 2006:

Dirtbag has won a total of 8 Championships over his 10 year carrier in FF. I have had a run that pretty much no one else has ever had and it's to the point now where I have accomplished about everything possible....I am a sure 1st ballot hall of fame and very proud of it!! The road was tough as I got a ton of criticism for the way I handled myself and team. I always tried to help people but most took it as (He is just a lucky Jackass thetas full of himself)... Friends, you don't go year after year winning by Luck!! Anyway, I'm putting this out there cause I may be hanging up the cleats after this year!!! After 10 years it takes a toll on your body and I want to be able to enjoy my kids and grand kids without to much pain... I will be making up my mind in the mid offseason, as I don't want to hold the leagues hostage to long with my decision.... Merry Christmas The Mighty Dirtbag

December 5, 2006:

Since Shitbag is getting LT and Shawn next year he is going to celebrate tonight...... Thats right folks, Shitbag gets laid to.... Since He was neutered 6 months ago after making his 5th kid Shitbag has not been himself until just lately.....All I can say....We used to butcher chickens and used a hand torch to burn the pin feathers off..... When I was laying on the table felling the burning and smelling that smell I knew I was in for some dark days ahead!! Shitbag gets his medicine

November 26, 2006:

haha Who in there right mind would of put a 3 year contract on Roddy White....hahhahahahhahahha sorry I couldn't help myself!! shitbag

November 24, 2006:

You got me so pissed today I almost killed somebody in the woods shooting at a deer.... I think Al Gore and John Kerry should come and take my guns away and give them to a real murderer!! Them 2 Bozos better bring tanks and the 43rd Belgrade if they want Shitbag to give up his guns!! Don't mess with Shitbag today!!

November 24, 2006:

Your a lyre!!!! Ed has Romo.... big deal..... one big week.... hes not on fire, hes the worst team in the league!!!! He lost 4 in a row with Romo...
One wavier pickup don't mean crap.. You need a team to win.... Shitbag's still king and will stay that way until someone knocks him OFF the title!!
Shitbag tells the truth not blows wind.. I'm going deer hunting right now so don't get me any more pissed off. Don't even start with them Damn no good take your guns away from the good guy and hand it to the killers.............Democrats!! Don't you dare meet me out in the woods
today JOHN KERRY and AL GORE!!! Shitbag tells the truth!!

November 23, 2006:

The worst team in this league gets 38 pts out of a half ass QB!! Never have I seen such a bunch of Bullshit! If it isn't injuries every damn year or some suck ass team getting almost 40 out of a half ass QB on me!! I'm really pissed!!!!!!!!! Dumb ass scored 5 last week so he could lay 40 on Shitbag this week!! Could of done it last week or next week...But oh no, lets lay it on Shitbag!! Thanks Tony for ruining my Thanksgiving you pile of Dog Shit!!!

November 4, 2006:

When I went to put your envelope in the mail box I slipped and dropped it in a pile of cowshit.. Just a warning that the back of the letter is full of cow shit!

 Commissioner's Note:  The envelope he is referring to was his check for his football league fees for the year, and yes the envelope arrived covered in cowshit.  I'm not sure it got through the postal system that way.

September 15, 2006:

I want to thank the good people of this league, that answer a trade proposition in a timely form....... But there are a few of you who don't unless it is ridiculously in your favor....... I know your sex life is pretty important but you also made a commitment to this league and when people make you offers, have the courtesy to Revoke or Except....Yes can you believe it???? It's that simple!!! If you can't figure it out drop me a line and I will be more then happy to go step by step on how to!!!..they can easily be forgotten and be held over for weeks while people are getting hurt. Then some day when your pissy at your sex partner, you find some extra time to cruise the net and come across the trade and say < daaaaaaaaaaaaa whats this?? wow, thats a great deal> and except it!!!
Love Shitbag

September 8, 2006:

Dirtbag has decided to turn over a new leaf!! I Thought being on top would get me glory and respect and lofs of Friends!! I finally see that winning and shooting off your mouth does not accomplish that so as of today, I'm going to be a nice guy....No longer will I shoot off my mouth, tell people how I think of there FF skills or brag that im the greatest FF player around..... Yep, can you believe it? It's really going to happen.... I'm beginning to feel better already..... Geeeezzz it works fast.... I haven't felt this good in years... I should of done this after the first championship!!! A New and Improved Dirtbag

January 2, 2006:

I have been feeling pretty humble the last few weeks. All the injuries and suspensions my teams went though, especially in the Seinfield League this year, is got me totally football drained. Normally I don't pray about silly football stuff but when I went to church yesterday I told Jesus if you allow me to win these 2 championships this week I would send out a letter to everyone giving him the glory for the wins. Normally I would blow about this and that but I'm just going to say "Thankyou Lord".

I want to congratulate Brian with Socko's Revenge and Scott with The Highlight Reel for great games and unlike most of the time in the NFL, you should be proud of your 2nd place finishes!! You beat 10 others!! I also want to thank Brian for running these leagues. I spend so much time ripping and being an ass that I don't give enough credit to the good people that run and play in these leagues. Thanks all, Dirtbag

December 19, 2005:

hahhahaha.. Iv watched Napoleon Dynamite 3 times already and yes Uncle Rico is me hahahahahahahahahahaha!

December 13, 2005:

I told you a thousand times to show Dirtbag some respect! I'm sick of this BS!!! I can't wait to kick your ass for the Third time in one year! By now, I should of seen at least a half a dozen emails congratulations Dirtbag For kicking Sockos ass twice, since no one else did or could do it even once! When someone saves the league, you should thank him! Put your stupid little silly pride away and write me some thankyous!! If things don't change around here, I will move to a league that will give me Respect!! Now, Get er Done!! Shitbag

PS. Now frame this and stick up your Fiber Filled ASS!

December 13, 2005:

"Amazingly Socko's Revenge lost only two games all year, and both were to his hated, stinky-ass fiber eating moron uncle, Dirtbag."

I demand a lot more respect then I'v been getting!!! If it wasn't for me, you all would be sitting here listing to his unbeaten season for the rest of your lives!!!! This is the funniest thing I ever seen! Our first meeting I had to listen to this clown, tell me " Hey shitbag, Don't waste your time putting in a lineup this week, your ass is mine!" If my season ends without a championship I will be very proud of this feet till I meet the Big Guy!! God Bless our Dirtbag!!

August 16, 2005:

you know what??? There isn't anything better than getten laid.. Dirtbag

September 28, 2004:

Dinkbag may not seem to spell worth a shit, but before we all jump on the, Dirtbag is an idiot bandwagon, let it be known that Shitbag can spell but the problem is, I type much faster then I can spell!! so you say < well shithead, why don't you slow down>? I don't take the excess time cause I run
2 leagues, shoot my mouth off in 4 others, have 4 kids, tons of cows, and I need to have sex quite often. So I just click away and sometimes, well, I mean, just about all the time, you have to swim through some of the shit to
see what the hell I'm talking about!!
Dirt

December 17, 2003:

Thankyou so much for your sympathy guys. Just so you know, the damn toliot is still blocked. I'm throwing it away and getting a new Turbo Flush with the new spray your ass clean button so I don't have to use toliot paper which probably turned my crap into a thug of clay! Merry Christmas

I was in the middle of doing my wavior picks and my wife yelled at me < get in the bathroom right this second, the toliot is running over> I plunged and plunged as fast as I could and the shit wouldnt go down; water and crap everywhere and it wouldn't stop! I ran down stairs and turned the water off and stuck my hand down in the crap to see what was pluging it up, but I couldnt find anything else. So once again I had to take the damn toliot out to the barn with no shoes and socks on, cause I was so pissed. I got the pressure washer out and cleaned it up. I couldn't find anything in it but crap. So it must have been that damn fiber again I ate. It swells up in water! so I picked up the toliot to carry it in the house and all the water in the toliot came gushing out on my sack! I just got cleaned up!!! I'm not a happy camper!!!

November 25, 2003:

True Story Last winter -10 degrees outside!!! Funny you should mention dumps!! I eat a lot of fiber! One day I accidently dumped way to much fiber in my glass of water.... ended up drinking about 2 quarts of water to get it all down! Well lo and behold in a couple hours I had to take a dump and I mean a DUMP! I probably had a log 3 feet long...no lie!! What do you think happend when i went to flush the toliot? Ya you got it... It blocked up! It was so blocked I had to take the toliot out of the house and on the way to the barn I tripped and fell and my yard was blue for the rest of the winter. I finally got it cleaned out and I mean it was plugged TIGHT! I washed it up and brought it back in the house and put my toliot back in...To this day I can't beleive that fiber expanded so much it compleatly blocked my toliot up....Not to mention I had a gas pains for 2 days
King Dirtbag

July 23, 2002:

You know, Dirtbag brought a lot of excitment to this league and Brian goes to all that work to write a sympathy letter about me and NO one ask how dirtbags foot is after getting hit, not 40, but they now tell me, 60 mph or faster. I went though HELL this winter and all I here back is a bunch dumb Dirtbag smack. As you know for most of Wild Card Football Life, I have owned this league and I deserve better than that. The King Speaks. Oh by the way, I dont have any software to run my spell check so don't rip on my spelling.

June 10, 2001:

I have received numerous complaints about swearing! It basically comes down to 2 words. I just want you to all know if your arm spent as much time as mine up a cows ass and cleaned up as much cow shit as mine, your vocabulary would include them 2 words to and probably like mine a few other choice words! If they offend you that much, Please come and work on my farm just one day! I will guarantee you going home with a few new words in your vocabulary too!

The King Speaks

November 14, 2000:

Kiss my ass, You 2 are the biggest piece of monkey shit i ever seen! I have never seen 2 guys that will stop at no expense to get dirtbag to lose! I thought that I had enough influance on you 2 so that you would be decent, but i see i was wrong. I have never even tried to pickup anyones injured player nor have i ever picked up a player untill at least late wednsday or earlly thursday. I let everyone get a day in or so to get their players and i pick up whats left. but not many at that. now for the second time first westbrook who i didnt care to get a replacement for and now gresse. who I finally would like to get a replacement for I get the shaft! I'v had it with this bullshit of changing rules to keep dirtbag from winning and allways taking the rules to the limit to try and Make shitty trades and then try to back them up with some expert that doesnt know his ass from a hole in the ground. I am a very fair participator in all leagues. I allways make fair trades and never would pull a stunt on you that you allowed Brian to do to me. I am very dissapointed in both of you and I hope your satisfied with your actions!! Now you take the power of front office away from me! here again worrring about dirtbag cheating! You two ought to be hung up by your balls untill they fall off!! You guys are pathetic!!!! Im not kidding I have put up with enough of this shit and will move on to leagues that you guys dont run!! It just sickens me that i have to do this considering that I like it when you guys are in leagues im in . I got you guys into big money just for that reason and we have had basicly no probs thier. It is a sad day at the King Dirtbag Camp.

January 30, 1997:

Dirtbag was arrested on Saturday June 23 for grand theft! It is believed that dirtbag, while still having a shit loaded arm from having it up a cows ass went to his computer quickly, and stole Rod Smith!! This is his 4th known offense in the last 2 weeks. It had been thought that Dirtbag had an accomplice, "John Murray", but this theft was all dirtbags!! It is still not known if Dirtbag will get out on bail before his 5th round selection!!! He is being looked after with the watchful eye of the Rattlesnake! Rod Smith Is by far and away the best player on the board with a great offense and Smith coming into his prime this could be the steal of the draft. I could easily see 1500 and 12 tds.

Dirt

ALL-TIME BEST DIRTBAG FLAMES
FROM MEMBERS OF HIS "FAN CLUB"

September 8, 2006:

You'll never meet Shitbag unless you want to go on a tour of Central Wisconsin Manure Pits. He'll be the one swimming in the pit. He never leaves the house, which is a good thing since the rest of the world doesn't need him wandering around. He's been quarantined to Wisconsin.

BK

August 9, 2006:

It's been a great year for sports in Dirtbag's Cow Pasture too. First, Dirtbag steped in a big pile of Shit. Then, he swore and threw his shoe off. Then, he stepped in another pile of shit and soiled his socks. It was sort of like in the Super Bowl when that player lost his shoe. Dirtbag's kid then threw a piece of shit at him. It was almost like a Justin Verlander fastball. This winter, Dirtbag slipped and fell on the ice, that was sort of like the Red Wings. It's been a big year around Dirtbag's place..

HAHA

Brian K

December 13, 2005:

This is the smartest email I have ever read from Shitbag. I'm going to print it out and frame it because I can guarantee you that the next 900 emails will be right back to the same old dumb shit again. I also counted and only found 3 spelling mistakes which has to be an all-time record.

Dirtbag is right, if I had gone unbeaten, you never would have heard the end of it. Good job Bag, go drink another glass of fiber.

Socko

November 8, 2005:

Dirtbag is up to his old tricks again and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. Sending out trade offers with Owens in it is the last straw. I warned him numerous times in the past about it but he has ignored my warnings. As of today he is suspended for 4 games and will be deactivated for the rest of the season. Dirtbag and his dumb buddy TO can get together and cry about how much money there going to lose. All teams that play Dirtbag will get a bye. Below is our transcript of how this went down this morning.

BK


TRUTHCOMMISH: dirtbag
TRUTHCOMMISH: you there dink
BAGSPRAY: what
TRUTHCOMMISH: why the hell are you still sending stupid trade offers out with Owens?
BAGSPRAY: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAH
TRUTHCOMMISH: Why do I have to warn you about this every year?
TRUTHCOMMISH: I'm sick and tired of you trying to screw people
BAGSPRAY: You should talk after screwing Spoongebut over
TRUTHCOMMISH: Thats different
BAGSPRAY: No it's not
TRUTHCOMMISH: her team isn't going anywhere anyway
BAGSPRAY: so your telling me that it's ok for you to screw over spoongebut but I cant screw anyone
TRUTHCOMMISH: No what I mean is, It's ok to rip someone off on a trade but you can't steal a player cause you know TO isn't playing anymore this year
BAGSPRAY: he could get traded
TRUTHCOMMISH: no he can't you dumbdink, the trade deadline is past 3 weeks ago
BAGSPRAY: So what maybe some dumb dink wont know that
TRUTHCOMMISH: Thats it, your suspended indefinitely
BAGSPRAY: Ya right
TRUTHCOMMISH: I mean it, I warned you many times to knock that crap off and you wouldn't listen. You leave me no choice end of story.

November 7, 2005:

Football Party? I heard about those...All they are is Dirtbag and my brother sitting in front of the TV watching Football. Dirtbag sits in his underwear (the one with the big skidmark) and sits there on his ass eating 2 pound blocks of cheese. Those are the big football parties, he is talking about.

BK

October 5, 2005:

Subject:  Dirtbag is a Dirty/Slutty/Prom Date:

I can't take it with Dirtbag anymore...Geez he offers 5 million different trade offers and then squirms his way out of EVERY little thing! Geez.

I have my pride Dirtbag...You are a freakin' cock tease when it comes to these trades. I'll go 1-13 on the season before I even think about talking trade with you again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Brian Kreklau, aka "The Truth Commissioner"

August 2, 2005:

Dave Kreklau, aka Dirtbag, owner of Dirtbag's Shit Slingers in various fantasy football leagues has been suspended for the preseason. Brian Kreklau, commissioner of the league, was informed by Paul Tagliabue this morning that Dirtbag has tested positive for performance enhancements. Dirtbag claimed that he didn't need to take the performance enhancers, and that it was all a mistake. However, just this morning a UPS truck was seen leaving the Dirtbag residence and left a large box marked, "Viagra", on the doorstep. With the new crackdown by Congress on the use of performance enhancers, the Seinfeld, Stooges, and Simpson's leagues will be under much higher scrutiny this year. More on this development as the fantasy football preseason continues.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Brian Kreklau, aka "The Truth Commissioner"

October 27, 2004:

I apologize Bag...I signed you up because I heard that you were having problems down there because your fantasy football teams stink so bad this year and you needed a boost of confidence.

- - - - - - - - - - -
Brian Kreklau, aka "The Truth Commissioner"

-----Original Message-----

Geeezz look at the stupid email I got today!! Who is infecting my computer with all this crap! Here's the Subject....
Want to enlarge your penis up to 5 inches?

Give me a break! What do they want me to do with over a Foot? Become a Bull
for my cows? A Pissy Dirt

July 23, 2003:

You are already in both leagues you dumb dink...If I switch you then you'll have two teams in the same league...How the hell are we even related Dirtbag...Damn you're dumb.

John Murray has already volunteered...

But getting back to Dirtbag...I don't know what happened...between the brain anyuerisms, the punching cows in the head, the monkeypox, your completely ridiculous parlay scheme, the time you thought you were going to make a fortune in the pig business..you've finally done it...You've just lowered the average IQ in this league by your email. You've also inspired me...Please fellow league members, send me your old emails...(trust me I save them all), so that before I leave for vacation this Friday I can post on my website the ALL TIME DIRTBAG HALL OF FAME...

That's right...the stupid comments, the crazy email flames, all our favorites so that the entire world can full realize how much of a dumb dink you really are. Thanks.

BK

December 10, 2002:

Maybe you should have thought about all that love when you were pissing and moaning the other day and shooting off your mouth about getting blowjobs and getting laid and just going on and on and on...nobody can take that kind of crap. People have limits.

Socko
-----

Maaaan..........I thought you loved me... I taught you everything I know about football and basketball. I was the main reason you were an All State RB and Power Forward!.... and this is the thanks I get. Man, where is the love for your Uncle Dirtbag ??????


Subject: A Dirtbag Email Flame of Epic Proportions


Because my uncle Dirtbag was shooting his mouth off and pissing me off for the past month about everything under the sun, I decided to go onto Google and find something I could throw back in his face...I found this article in a newspaper...

<Washington DC> In a response to the question posed to him whether American troops lives would be in danger fighting a war in a Iraq, President Bush smiled. What the American people do not know is that our National Defense has been cloning a sort of "social virus" to use against Iraq. They decided that the best way to fight the war would be to clone a human being so annoying and retarded that the people of Iraq would throw their hands up in disbelief and end the conflict. When a team of scientists were brought in to discuss possible candidates, one name appeared at the top of all their lists. Dave Kreklau aka Dirtbag. One scientist was quoted, "putting one Dirtbag in a room full of people is the equivalent of a calculated Anthrax attack, just imagine what an army of Dirtbag's could do." The goal is to drop these Dirtbag's out of bombers over the skies of Southern Iraq and focused mostly on Baghdad. The parachutes will not be tested before the Dirtbag launch. The nations of Iran, Jordan, Israel, and Kuwait have been briefed to have army personal on their own borders and shoot to kill any stray Dirtbag's that stumble towards their borders. When questioned about the aftermath of the Dirtbag attack, President Bush stated, "once those Dirtbag's do the job over there we'll just round them up like cattle and send them to the dog-food factory." Famous public advocate Jesse Jackson was questioned on the social impacts of releasing a clone army of Dirtbag's on Iraq and he stated, "the American people have been dealing with this virus for over 30 years, it's time the rest of the world got a dose."

- - - - - -
Brian Kreklau, "The Truth Commissioner"

July 7, 2002:

Well since many of you are wondering what has been going on with Dirtbag this offseason, I'd like to fill you in...

He got ran over by a snowmobile going over 40 miles an hour throwing him at least 50 feet into the air

He took a brand new computer, built by me and proceeded to F it up in less than a year. The latest incident is that the fan on the back of the PC has broken blades. He "claims" that he stuck his finger into the case to look around, but I think he tried to stick something else in there (wink).

He has been remodeling his house for over a year now. When I paid him a personal visit last August, he blew out of his mouth "this project will be done in a couple of weeks". Apparently in Shitbag's mind, a couple of weeks is actually about 52 weeks.

All hail the only man that could draft Marshall Faulk and finish in last place.

Brian Kreklau with my annual report...

December 6, 2000:

Maybe Rosie O'Donnell or Oprah can send Dirtbag to Mars on an all-expense paid trip for being an idiot and putting Scott Mitchell in his lineup.

HAHAHAHAHA, I couldn't help myself, it was just too damn easy and I hate Scott Mitchell with a passion.

----
Brian Kreklau

December 5, 2000:

Well folks Its over. The end. I have eliminated dirtbag from a 3 peat.  I told him all week I was going to win but he wouldn't listen. I didn't
watch  the Monday game or see highlights. I guess I had a little good luck.  Well for once the lucky break didn't go dirtbags way. I now don't have to listen to dirtbag run his mouth about a 3peat. Best of all I have spared everyone from seeing dirtbags stupid emails about how many leagues he is winning. I would like some owners to send me there opinions on me kicking dirtbags ass out of the playoffs.

Thank you for your replies
Brad Kreklau

November 2, 2000:

<MORON, WISCONSIN> Local idiot, Dave Kreklau, also known worldwide by his vast expanse of alias' (Dirtbag, Dirtbike, Shitbag, Dinkbag, Bandwagonbag, Dinkwagon, Shit for Brains, Dunktank, Dirtsbager, etc. etc. etc), has official cast his ballot for George W. Bush.  Word of this has hit the Republican headquarters like a Mike Tyson uppercut.  George W. Bush has gone on record as claiming never to have heard of Dave Kreklau.  Off the record, Bush has claimed that even being seen in the same time zone as Dirtbag could cost him the election.  Florida voters are begging for a re-vote after finding out that Dirtbag is a Bush supporter.  If luck is any indication on the election, then Al Gore, winner of the popular vote, will lose the election.  Just like Dirtbag is the luckiest man in the history of fantasy football, George W Bush may be the luckiest president in the history of the United States.  More information on these startling events as we get them.

January 30, 1997:

I have to agree with the Dirtwagon on this one...It's a good pick. I also have to say that in the more than 20 years I have known Dirtbag, this is the funniest and most original thing he's ever come up with. I'll save this email and someday will put it near his headstone. Thanks for the laughs Dirt.

Brian Kreklau

Dirtbag Profile

Name:  Dave Kreklau

AKA:  Dirtbag, Shitbag, King Dirtbag, Dinkspray, BagSpray

Occupation/Location:  Dairy Farmer, Wisconsin

Championships:  6

Spelling Bee's Won:  zero